Keep at least 3 metres' distance from someone you haven’t met before, says a website on how to socialise in Estonia. We thought we’d better clue up on local etiquette before meeting our family. The Estos we know in New Zealand may not be a definitive guide, so what’s it like in the old country? For people already known to you, a distance of 1.2 metres is fine, according to top 9 tips for Estonian culture, customs and etiquette. Clearly, Estonians value their personal space.
In the end, it was nothing like that. Our cousins laughed when we shared the insights of our pre-travel study. At a barbecue on arrival in Tallinn, they asked us how Estonians are different from New Zealanders. We had to conclude, not much. We generally enjoy family life, hospitality to others, working for a living, owning our own home, spending time in the outdoors, and taking an interest in our wellbeing.
The big and fundamental difference between Estonia and New Zealand is the sauna tradition. And there is something else, on reflection.
In New Zealand, if you call a friend to borrow the lawnmower, you first ask – how are you, how are the kids, did you have a good week, any plans for the weekend – and then state your business. In Estonia, we were assured, it’s fine to call and say, “hello, can I borrow your lawnmower?” I like that. When cycling along and meeting other people, there’s a formula: you say tere or tervist by way of greeting. No need to comment on the weather, or ask where people are going, or comment on others’ cycling equipment.
On the subject of etiquette, Rough Guides says: “Estonians tend to be reserved when you first meet them, though if you are lucky enough to be invited to a local home, you will see their warm and generous side. Unused to loud displays of emotion, they are scandalized by the loutish behaviour of foreign stag parties, although they do enjoy sociable drinking. A 10 per cent tip is sufficient in restaurants to reward good service; otherwise just round up the bill.”
We didn’t bother with tips in cafes – it’s not a thing back home - and no one seemed to mind. Various websites suggest bringing flowers when invited to someone’s home. We didn’t do that either, a bit tricky on bikes, and it seemed odd. We did bring wine and chocolate everywhere we went, and that was always happily received.
Kalev chocolate, courtesy of Top 10 Estonian foods by Kerli (visitestonia.com)
A few other things. Always take off footwear when entering someone’s home. Make eye contact when clinking glasses and saying cheers, terviseks or tervist. Not so easy for New Zealanders; many of us have adopted a Māori or Pasifika cultural habit of deliberately not making eye contact, as a mark of respect.
And it is okay to fall silent in Estonia if there is a gap in conversation. Difficult for me: I tend fill pauses, and the result can be inane or awkward. Better to be quiet, perhaps, and soak in the companionship.
In a less serious vein, Estonian pop musician Kerli says: "Rääkimine hõbe, vaikimine kuld – ’talking is silver, silence is golden’. Another one from Estonians where they tell you that expressing yourself is basically useless. I think we have at least ten different quotes which are about shutting the heck up.” Again, we found the reality in Estonia to be rather different – our family and friends were engaging, enjoyed conversation, some enjoying banter, and others, entertaining raconteurs.
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